Amiga Format CD 12/Amiga Format AFCD12 (Apr 1997, Issue 96).iso/-readerstuff-/dan_wood/others/jokes

Text File | 1997-02-14 | 11.8 KB | 240 lines

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PAGE NOTICE - Please note... if you are quite easily offended then
please do not read on.  This document contains some language and
scenarios which some people may find distasteful, so read at your
own risk.
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[Smile] One day these two girls were hired to clean this guys house. While
        they were there the AC broke so one of the girls said, "Hey, since
no one is here and its so hot in here lets take off our clothes. "The other
girl agreed. So they took their clothes off. Later that day they heard a
knock at the door. One of the girls went to the door and asked who it was.
"Blind man," the person answered. The girl said, "Hey, since he's blind he
can't see us." so she let him in. As soon as the blindman stepped in he
said, "nice arse where do you want these blinds."


[Smile] There were these two nude statues in a park, male and female, who
        always stared at each other. One day, a wizard came up to them and
said, "this is your 200th anniversary so I am going to give you just 30
minutes of humanity so spend it well." The wizard waved his wand and the
two statues went behind one of the big trees and the wizard heard giggles
laughs and saw a little hanky panky but nothing much. After fifteen minutes
they came out exhausted and the wizard asked why don't they do it again so
as not to waste their 15 minutes. The male statue said to the female statue
"Ok, but this time you hold the pigeon and I crap on it."


[Smile] There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane. At
        the top of the stairs there was a stewardess who was collecting
tickets. So when the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat
and exposed himself. The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to show
your ticket here, not your stub."



   * Did you hear about the new chinese cookbook? 101 ways to WOK your dog!
   * He's not the sharpest tool in the shed.
   * If I could send half the lawyers to a deserted island, I`d rather send
     all of them half way.
   * She criticized my apartment, so I knocked her flat.
   * Yo mama is so fat, her BVD underware stretches out to spell Boulavard.
   * 90's definition of a virgin...an ugly secondgrader!
   * "To catch a bus, one must first think like a bus."
   *  Your mama's so fat, people orbit her!
   * What's your mama plus a tent? Circus!
   * Grandpa, get off the stove! You're too old to ride the range!
   * If you can't swim is it necessary to wait a half hour after eating
     before going in the water?
   * Did you hear about the constipated Accountant? He used a pencil to
     budget!
   * Did you hear O.J. was getting married again? Yeah, he wants to take
     another stab at it.
   * There were two peanuts walking down the road. One was assaulted.
   *  My brother is so dumb, he thought the international Dateline was a
     1-900 number!
   *  My flat is so small, when I put the key in the door, I break a window!
   *  My flat. is so small, you can't even change your mind in it!
   * Did you hear about the termite who went into a bar and asked "Where's
     the bar tender?"
   *  Why is it when you dial a wrong number, it's never busy.
   * A psychologist is a man you pay to ask questions your wife asks you
     for nothing.
   * Global warming - It's not the heat, it's the humanity!
   * If you've heard one cliche, you've heard 'em all.
   * Knock, knock. who's there. amanda. amanda who. amanda fix your TV set!


[Smile] Tom Said,


   * "I think I'll get engaged", Tom proposed marryly.
   * "That's my favorite song", Tom said off the record.
   * "I'll have to make another pastry", Tom retorted.
   * "I love mathematics!!", Tom added.
   * "Look it's Free Willy!!", Tom wailed out.
   * "I dropped my toothpaste", Tom said crestfallen.
   * "I just got a pacemaker", Tom said half-heartedly.
   *  "I couldn't perform!" Tom said limply.
   * "I'm not sure if I'm a homosexual", said Tom, half in Ernest.



[Smile] This woman is sitting in a bar, wearing a tube top. She has never
        shaved her armpits in her entire life, so as a result, she has a
thick black bush under each arm. Every 20 minutes, she raises her arm up
and flags the bartender for another drink. This goes on all night. The
other people in the bar see her hairy pits every time she raises her arm.
Near the end of the night, this drunk at the end of the bar says to the
bartender, "Hey, I'd like to buy the ballerina a drink". The bartender
replies, "What makes you think she's a ballerina?" The drunk says, "Any
girl that can lift her leg that high has to be a ballerina!"



[Image] A guy walks into a bar in a town with no women and asks the
        bartender, "How can you live in this town without any women?". The
bartender replies, "It's not that bad when we get lonely we go out back
where there is a barrel with a knothole in it. So after a few beers, the
guy starts getting a little lonely and tells the bartender he's gonna go
find the barrel. So he walks up to the barrel and sticks it in the
knothole. After about 5 minutes he walks back to the bar and tells the
bartender, "Man, that's the greatest stuff I've ever had!! What do I owe
ya?". The bartender replies, "Nothing, but it's your turn to get in the
barrel".



[Smile] This guy was working on his car when he got gas on his hand and
        arm. As he was driving to the Auto Shop to get some more parts, he
lit a match, his arm then caught on fire and in a panic he quickly rolled
down the window and stuck his arm out to extingish the flame. The police
pulled him over for an illegal use of a firearm.



[Smile] A woman went in for a physical the other day. The doctor asked her
        to disrobe. When she did the doctor noticed she had a big red "H"
on her chest. The doctor said; that's strange. How did you get the red "H"
on your chest? The woman replied: "My husband went to Harvard and beloved
the school so much he never takes his block sweater off...even when we make
love." Several days later; another woman came into the doctor's office for
a physical. The doctor went through the same routine. After she disrobed,
the doctor noticed she had a big "M" on her chest. Not wanting to appear
stupid, the doctor said: "Your boyfriend must have gone to Michigan." The
woman responded" "I don't know what you are talking about, but my
girlfriend went to Wisconsin."



[Smile] A man wants to have his penis enlarged so he goes to a specialist
        who recommends a newprocedure of attaching an elephant trunk to the
end of the penis. The man goes for it and has ahumongous penis. One day,
while eating dinner at his girlfriends, his penis reaches up from under the
table, grabs a bun and slides back down under the table. The girlfriend is
amazed. "That's incredible", she says, "Can you do it again?" The man
replies, "I'd love to, but I don't think my arse can handle another bun
right now".



[Smile] What would the world be like if people said whatever they were
        thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a
blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry, your rear end is
too big." "That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later."


[Smile] "Today most doctors specialize. My own doctor's speciality seems to
        be banking. And dentists are not exactly poor either. In fact,
dental practices are so lucrative that the American Dental Association is
thinking of changing it's motto to: "Put your money where your mouth is."



[Smile] A man got a job in the sales promotion department of a cola
        soft-drink company. When he asked about his duties, the manager
explained. "Oh! It's an easy job! All you have to is call on ten women
buyers every day, and knock Seven-Up!"



[Smile] This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through
        examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going
to have to drill a tooth." The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, I'd rather have
a baby!" To which the dentist replies: "Make up your mind, I have to adjust
the chair."



[Smile] A lawyer who works in Texas receives news of an out of town
        emergency which requires him to fly out of the state for a short
period of time. He doesn't even have time to pack, so he calls home to tell
his wife he is going. The maid answers the phone but is hesitant to put his
wife on the phone. After quite a bit of cajoling, she admits that his wife
is upstairs in bed with the mailman! Now the man is furious, and would rush
right home, but of course there is this emergency to take care of, so he
tells the maid to go get the gun from his desk drawer, and kill both his
wife and the mailman. She protests, but he explains that under Texas law it
is legal to kill your adulterous wife and her lover. Using his silver
tongue, he finally convinces her to do it. She puts down the phone, and the
lawyer can hear the sound of two gun shots, the screams, some loud bumps,
and, finally, some splashes. The maid comes back on the phone. The lawyer
asks ``did you kill them?''. ``Yes'', she replies. ``What did you do with
the bodies?'' ``I threw them in the pool.'' ... pause ... ``Pool? ... Say,
is this 555-8234?''



[Smile] "Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce
        court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week."
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then
I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."



[Smile] Two redneck guys go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment:
        the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and
even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune. The first day they go
fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the
second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on
the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish. As they're
driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says,
"Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred
dollars?" The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any
more!"



[Smile] Air Force One comes in for a landing at the airport. A ramp is
        wheeled up and President Clinton appears carrying a pig under each
arm. As he comes down the ramp, the Marine at the bottom snaps to a salute.
Clinton says, "You'll have to excuse me. I can't return your salute. My
hands are full." "Yes Sir. I see the pigs Sir!" responds the Marine. "Now
hold on," says Clinton. "These aren't just pigs. These are genuine Arkansas
Razorbacks." "Yes Sir! Razorbacks Sir!" says the Marine. "I got this one
for Chelsea and this one for Hillary," Clinton explains. The Marine
answers, "Yes Sir! An excellent trade if I may say so myself Sir!"



[Smile] A guy walks into a bar with a frog. He sits next to this real
        attractive lady, places the frog up on the counter, and orders a
drink. The lady says "thats a disgusting looking frog you got there." The
guys says, "Yeah well lemmie tell ya something... this here frog is THE
BEST damn pussy eater you ever seen." The lady is outraged and says so then
promptly gets up and moves across the bar. A few hours pass.... The lady
has had more then her share, and starts thinking about the frog... So she
staggers back up to the guy and says, "OK prove it!". They run get a hotel
room.. the lady gets nude and is lying on the bed with legs spread open
wide. The guy takes the frog and puts it in position, then demmands, "GO
HOMER!".... the frog lays there....he commands again... "GO HOMER" the frog
still does nothing.... he picks up the frog and tosses into the corner and
says, "If I've shown ya once ... I've shown ya 1000 times .. .....now watch
how its done!"


------------------------------------------------------------------KELLY

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